Wednesday, June 21, 2006

Maybe we'll even ride up on horses!

My friend Matt's wedding is coming up in August. I cannot wait to see him and meet his betrothed, Jody. A little trip to Portland, Oregon to a lodge in the middle of Mount Hood doesn't sound too shabby, either.

I was mentioning this to my friend J and his friend--whom I'll call "Annoying"--last night and added the tidbit that I hadn't actually seen Matt in ten years, since college. They both scoffed. Since college? Ten years? And you're going to his wedding?! I was all, "Yes, I'm going. Matt and I were super tight in college. We recently tracked each other down online and have been in contact a lot since."

Annoying, thinking himself clever, asked, "And they have a registry, right? With gifts listed for you to buy them?" I assumed they did and shrugged and said yes. He laughed and said, "Ha ha, that's why you're going--so they can get more gifts. Ha ha ha...I'll be sure to invite you to my wedding. Ha ha ha."

I was unreasonably put off by this. Aside from people laughing at their own jokes when they're not funny,* my reasons for being bothered were twofold:

1. Typically, it costs more money to host someone at your wedding than the price of the gift you get them (I'm totally cheap: they're getting a washcloth. Maybe a handtowel.)

2. I'm sensitive.

Following my sneer in Annoying's direction, I expanded the subject to weddings in general, saying that I want all my family and friends at mine. They were all, that's a little expensive, you know, do your parents know this?

I explained that I want to get married at my parents' farm, a place perfectly supplied with fruit trees and fully stocked with trout in the pond; making it a self-serve kind of thing. A subsistence wedding, if you will. Or, to make it fancy, all I have to do is provide massive amounts of macaroni and cheese to augment the apples and Rainbows and call it a day. There will, of course, be BOXES and BOXES of Franzia--blush AND white. No one can actually complain with such sweet, sweet wine flowing.


Hearing this, they seemed appeased that my wedding guests would indeed be satisfied. Come to think of it, I don't think I even mentioned the wine. Here's what else I didn't mention:

1. My wedding song, which will be Eternal Flame by The Bangles

2. My bride's maids' dresses, which will be the tacky 110% polyester mini-dresses I used to wear in college and still have hanging in my closet just for the occasion

3. My tiara, whose sparkle and shine will require protective eyewear on the parts of my guests

4. The wedding dance with my new spouse will be, naturally, to our wedding song, Eternal Flame. For the duration of the song, the bride's maids are to surround us, linking arms and swaying along with the music. They are also to hold lighters in their right hands to symbolize the eternal flame of our love. This will require great balance on their part (aka, easy on the Franzia, ladies!) lest the polyester dresses burst into flames, potentially causing eternal damage to one or more bride's maids (NOT something I'm trying to deal with in the middle of my reception, thank you very much).

5. The footwear: barefoot, on grass.

6. The dress: something in the neighborhood of white, to feign that I am somewhere in the neighborhood of virgin. Heh.

7. The spouse: TBD, most likely a man (for several years I imagined it would be a woman), preferably a goofy one to appreciate all of the above.

8. The guests: As I said, as many family and friends as possible. I mean, how fun is it to have everyone you love all in one place, all celebrating love?

Ahh, love. Ahh, tiaras.


*I always laugh at my own jokes, but that's okay: they're all hilarious.

15 Comments:

Anonymous sara said...

sigh, still with the eternal flame bridesmaid sing along?

11:42 AM  
Blogger Madelyn said...

Yes, that is staggering, isn't it? I had so hoped that that little fatansy would go the way of the one wherein she marries John "Bo Duke" Schneider, moves to California and lives with him in a mobile home that has a pool. On the roof.

And Emily, you are right. NO ONE throws a wedding for the gifts. That would be the most ridiculously upside down economic action ever.

1:23 PM  
Blogger starpower said...

What makes you think the John Schneider fantasy has subsided?

You may have noticed I relocated to Southern California. You think this was an accident?

Strategy, my friends, strategy...

1:27 PM  
Blogger Matt said...

Who said I'm not expecting gifts? The very least you could do is give me back my heart. You know, the one you stole ten years ago. That or a dish towel will be fine.

2:54 PM  
Blogger joestrummerlives said...

Holy shit - John Schneider! How have I known you this long and not known that.

And if Matt is Matt B. (NA Class o' 91), congratulations!

7:33 PM  
Blogger Lo said...

Starpower, it sounds just beautiful...sigh...But what you're missing is a synchronized dance sequence. Sort of like they do in those way excellent 80's movies. I could choreograph it for you. I'm a real good dancer.

6:44 AM  
Blogger Madelyn said...

Laureen! Do not fuel that fire! :)

7:13 AM  
Blogger Matt said...

Stephen! Lo! How the hell are ya!
I've missed you. So glad to hear you are happy. May I call upon thee the next time I'm in Norfolk?

9:47 AM  
Blogger joestrummerlives said...

Of course - we would love to have you! Do you make back to the East Coast often?

9:53 AM  
Blogger Lo said...

MATT!!!
I actually had a crazy dream (not THAT crazy) the other night and you were in it. Please please please call us next time you come around. Would love to see you..and much happiness to you and the lucky lady!

11:54 AM  
Blogger Lo said...

And come on, Madelyn..it would be sooo perfect! Can't you just see it?

11:55 AM  
Blogger Madelyn said...

Sadly, Lo, yes. Yes, I can.

Too funny.

and hello and congratulations to Matt!

1:59 PM  
Blogger starpower said...

And look! We're all together already!
Sigh...

5:25 PM  
Blogger Matt said...

Hey, you should all come to the wedding! More gifts for meeeee!

11:12 AM  
Blogger Madelyn said...

um -- this site is gathering dust. POST! POST! POST!

1:43 PM  

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