Friday, April 18, 2008

Confessional

I love my life here in Los Angeles. I have great friends, great weather, great roommate, great job, the most fabulous little pickles ever and access to the world's greatest yoga teachers. It's... great. What's not great is geography. It's soooooo far from my family and sitting here doing nothing (but dating many many Peter Pans (yes, there is more than one! But they all live in LA...)) is not making me famous for anything. No one's even offered to be my agent. Gah.

I'll be here for some more time, I know (so put away your hopes for now, family), but talking to a friend in VA earlier today made me miss my old home a lot. I mean, I miss home every time I talk to my family, especially Miss Avery's phone gurgles, but talking to a friend I haven't actually spoken to for some years now brought back a rush of memories. Memories I'd like to still be making.

And yet.

Every morning I step into flip flops and open the door to beautiful dog-walking weather. I have a book club with my smart, funny, socially-aware-but-not-self-righteous friends. I volunteer with teens I love every other Friday. I have different areas of my life (personal, spiritual, professional) where I know different people and sometimes cross paths with them in other areas of my life.

In short, my life is here, in California.

I have moved plenty of times in my life. But--Angola and Olympia, WA (two month stints apiece) aside--this is the furthest I have gone and already the second longest-time I have lived anywhere since high school. I have lived here more than two times longer than I lived in New York and almost as long as I spent in beloved beloved Blacksburg. The arithmetic of it all must be fascinating for you and I know it's tidbits such as this that keep you coming back for more and more.

But it is stuff I think about, some weak quanitification of the meaning of place.

Perhaps it's age, but I can't just up and relocate the life on a whim. I used to. I remember looking out at the George Washington Bridge spanning the Hudson one late Fall late night in 1999 and deciding that I'd trade NYC for DC and family and relationship. That January I moved as flippantly decided...and spent three years painfully missing New York.

I was happy for the closer proximity to family to be sure (and the relationship) but I missed another true love, New York, and felt more at home there every time I went to visit than I did in the city I actually lived. Would that happen to me if I left here? Would I look down at every 95 and humid day or out at snowy streets with a sense of dread and long for 68 and sunny? Would I do this everyday? Because I have tried skipping the dog walking duties a day here and there and the dizzles just aren't down with holding it that long. Wussies.

But am I down with growing deeper roots in a city all the way at the other side of this very large country from my family and many of my friends? (Insert Carrie Bradshaw voice...) I couldn't help but wonder, when it comes to moving and love, which moves you more?

Well?

Talk to me, folks. Starpower needs a guiding light.

6 Comments:

Blogger Lo said...

I wish I had some insight for you. I know that I couldn't get out of NC fast enough and was thrilled to move to VA. Now that I have a child, being away from my folks can really suck sometimes. Not that I would move back necessarily, b/c I love where I live. And, granted, the distance betwee VA and NC and VA and CA aren't comparable, but I do know where you're coming from.I'd be biased anyway, because I miss you somethin horrible and want you back on this side of the continent! :)

6:17 AM  
Blogger joestrummerlives said...

I second what Lo says.

1:17 PM  
Blogger starpower said...

Awww, thanks, friends. I'm sure somehing'll become more clear after some time. I just wonder if I'm supposed to be doing something to encourage such clarity...

Kisses!

3:53 PM  
Blogger sara said...

I'm moving to NYC for love, you know that. It will be difficult to leave my friends and family, BUT I will visit, they will visit, thanks to the internets I can talk to them every day.

Naturally, I'm biased in favor of you moving there too!

Seriously though, every place has its advantages and drawbacks. I love LA weather but the people make me want to stab myself in the ear (present company, other friends, and sisters excepted). In the grand scheme of things, I'll put up with some snow and sludge not to have jerkwads at every turn. But that's just me.

11:01 AM  
Blogger starpower said...

So you're going for sure! Congratulations! I think you're right about the people outweighing the weather...I just don't want to go too too soon. I need to start hating the people a bit more to ease the transition. Ahh, the healing properties of misanthropy...

1:40 PM  
Blogger newyorquina said...

Obviously Peace Corps service wrapping up, I am going lots of thinking like this, here are some ill organized thought about you and about me.

Is this post about whether you should move back to New York? Or just back to the east coast? Cause I think for you, um, no. You are so California. You are ridiculously happy there, you look fabulous. You really aren´t that far from the fam. Or does it feel like that?

I have my own moving back to New York anxieties, like will I become the sour, anxious, crazy, lonely girl I morphed into during some unfortunate episodes there.

I´m betting on two years being here in Latin America counteracting the NY effect, and if not I have little homework assignments to try and help out with this. I think living where you are happy should be the priority, and other things flow from that. When I think about you in both NY and DC, I don´t think about happy glowing Emily so much. (Although we did have lots of fun...) In New York, we were in drag school )nuff said, and in DC, I always felt like you were struggling to find your niche, and since you aren´t really the inside the beltway girl, I never saw you completely settled in.

Dunno, what are you thinking now?

12:02 PM  

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