Wednesday, February 01, 2006

My shameful oil addiction

After hearing our fearless, principled, and revolutionary leader’s comments in the State of the Union address, I must hang my head in shame. I mean, how could I? I am such a bad citizen; here I am living in this city whose design was predicated upon the idea that every single person would have their own car, this city with a laughable public transportation system…and I have the gall to drive my car to work everyday. Why do I do it?

I loves me some oil, people.

But I’m not alone in this. Our president is right. We are a NATION ADDICTED TO OIL. And the poor Bush family has spent decade upon decade trying to feed our nasty habit, trying to keep us happy. They’ve befriended the bin Ladens, they’ve sent us to fight in the Gulf War, they’ve made up stories about WMD (well, maybe this last one’s more about avenging “Daddy”); but you name it, they’ve done it. Whether they’ve been in office or not, they’ve done it. For us. All to feed the monkey on our collective oil-junkie back. Until last night.

Our fool no more, this Bush has had the completely! brand! new! idea! of developing an alternative to our dope. You can imagine how I felt to hear our totally not hypocritical leader discuss the use of alternative fuels made from renewable resources. I was pissed! I’m sorry, but where’s the magic in that? I, like all Americans, am a little less romanced by the idea of operating a vehicle on the power of things that nature can produce time and time again. It hardly has the intrigue, the drama, the excitement of depleting something completely and forever. I mean, Hey, my Prius drives on wood chips! just sounds lame. Not nearly as cool as Hey, my Escalade drives on oil. Yep, OIL!

I want my oil. I am red-blooded American, damn it, and I deserve it. Nothing else will do. I just can’t get enough of the stuff. I’ve tried to kick the habit but every time I do, I find I don’t have the fuel to get to my job to pay my taxes to fund the government to fund the war to fund Haliburton. So, with oil-withdrawal shaky hands, I have to write a personal check to Dick Cheney directly instead and walk (blech) to the mailbox and send it in the mail. What a waste.

2 Comments:

Blogger newyorquina said...

You have been watching too much Stephen Colbert.

7:02 AM  
Blogger starpower said...

There is no "too much" when it comes to Stephen Colbert. Sigh.

3:00 PM  

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